


The Filth of Kirkwall

by MorphologicalMayhem



Category: Dragon Age II, Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Gen, Kirkwall is gross
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-22 19:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7451140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorphologicalMayhem/pseuds/MorphologicalMayhem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While investigating a distress call, Garrus, Kaidan and James find themselves thrust into an alternate dimension. Can they survive the filth of Kirkwall?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Garrus, Kaidan and James Wake Up in a Piss Soaked Alley

The research station looked abandoned but one could never be too careful. Garrus signaled to James to cover him as he hacked the door. The security was fairly basic, frankly too basic. That was probably why Cerberus was able to invade. The door opened with a hiss and the small team headed inside. 

It was strange being on a mission without Shepard. He had been surprised when she asked him to take a team to investigate a distress call. Usually she liked to do all the missions herself. Politicians were a demanding group, however, and had to be appeased; but they couldn’t let this distress call go. So she sent him out with James and Kaidan to see if there were any survivors on this research outpost. Garrus was not entirely comfortable leading a squad like this. While a lot of his confidence in his leadership ability was renewed while working on Menae, leading a small squad like this was different. Memories of sneaking around Omega with his team filled his thought. Nothing like that would happen to Kaidan and James, he told himself. This was just a simple rescue mission. His nerves were not soothed, however.

The facility seemed to be empty. The lights were all shut down and an eerie silence filled the air. The layout was the standard research facility layout so finding their way around wouldn’t be a problem. The first few rooms held nothing, not even bodies. They were headed down the hall to the main laboratory when Garrus heard something.

“There’s something here.” He whispered. “Let’s hope it’s survivors and not Cerberus.”

Unfortunately but predictably, it was Cerberus. A handful of soldiers poured out of one of the side rooms. Kaidan quickly overloaded their shields while James blasted them with his shotgun. Garrus stood back and picked off the ones that Kaidan lifted with his biotics. This was the first time the three of them had been on a mission together but they worked well as a team. Garrus didn’t know James very well but he liked him. And working with Kaidan wasn’t nearly as awkward as he was afraid it would be.

A few seconds later, when the fight was over, Garrus gestured to the bodies. “Well, now we know that Cerberus is here. Let’s hope some of the scientists are still alive.”

They snuck down the hall but were quickly intercepted by another group of Cerberus soldiers. 

“These _pendejos_ never stop coming, do they?” James yelled over the gunfire. 

They blasted their way through through the terrorist soldiers and finally made it to the main lab, which was full of soldiers, of course.

Unfortunately, it was also full of civilian scientists. 

Each scientist wore identical looks of terror. Guns were pointed at their heads, rough hands grabbing them. 

“Guns down, my friends.” One Cerberus soldier demanded smugly. He seemed to be in charge. Probably a lieutenant or something. 

_Damn. Hostage situations are the worst._ Garrus motioned for the other two to lower their guns. 

“Good. Now drop them completely.” The Cerberus soldier’s face was covered but the smirk was clear in his voice. 

Garrus hesitated. The idea of just shooting them and damn the consequences crossed his mind. But he thought of Shepard and dropped his gun. Kaidan and James did the same. 

“Perfect. Of course Shepard’s crew wouldn’t let innocents be hurt.” The Cerberus lieutenant laughed cruelly. “She is just too good, isn’t she? That will be her downfall.”

Kaidan made an angry noise and began to move into a biotic stance. Garrus put a hand up to warn him down. 

A group of soldiers came in close to them and grabbed their guns from the floor. Garrus felt the barrel of a gun held against the back of his head. 

The lieutenant turned his attention to one of the scientists. “You were saying, before we were so rudely interrupted?”

The scientist spoke meekly. “We have sent probes through but we haven’t been able to get any data from them for more than a few seconds. From what we can tell, the air is mostly breathable but with high levels of ammonia. There was physical interference that prevented the cameras from collecting anything useful. The probe stopped transmitting after just a few moments after it appeared to be physically damaged.”

“So you don’t know what is over there?” The lieutenant asked.

“No, sir. We hypothesize that it is a very unstable environment, possibly besieged by high intensity storms.”

“What would happen if we sent a person through?” The lieutenant asked. 

The scientist hesitated. “That wouldn't be a good idea.” She swallowed nervously. “It is really too early to even consider involving people.” 

The lieutenant looked over at Garrus and his squad. He was definitely smirking under his helmet. “I think we found the perfect test subjects.”

The scientist looked horrified. “But, sir, we have no idea what will happen to them. And we wouldn’t even be able to get any data from it.”

“But just think. What a wonderful way of getting rid of Shepard’s lackies.”

“Oh hell no.” James yelled. “You are not testing anything on us.” A Cerberus soldier slammed the butt of a gun into his stomach, causing him to double over. Garrus leaned over to try to help him up but was stopped.

Garrus noticed that Kaidan was fiddling with something on the belt of his armor. He caught a glimpse of a small device. Probably sending a message back to the Normandy. Good.

Kaidan spoke then. “What exactly would you be testing on us?” He was trying to stall them, but it was too obvious. “Some sort of portal?”

The lieutenant ignored him. “Start up the device.” 

The scientist hesitated for a moment and threw them a look of sympathy. But she began starting up the device, flipping switches and entering numbers into the display. Kaidan was still trying to get the lieutenant’s attention but with no success. James had picked himself up off the ground and was muttering obscenities under his breath.

Suddenly a large blue circle appeared on the far wall of the lab. 

The lieutenant laughed. “There it is. Perfect.” He gestured towards his captives. “Throw them through.”

That was not happening. Garrus knocked the gun out of the hand of the soldier behind him and kicked the feet out from under another one that came around to grab him. He grabbed the gun and pointed it at the lieutenant. Kaidan and James followed his lead and were able to also overpower their captors. 

The lieutenant didn’t flinch. “Uh-oh. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He pointed to the corner where the civilian scientist were cowering, guns trained on their heads. “Wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?” 

Garrus looked from the lieutenant to the hostages and back again. He dropped the gun. He barely noticed as they soldiers grabbed him by both arms and pulled him towards the glowing circle. He was pushed towards it. When he made contact with the glowing substance pain blossomed in his head. His last thought before he blacked out was of how he failed Shepard. 

 

 

Garrus’s head ached as he regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was the more foul than anything he had ever smelled in his life. 

The second thing he noticed, as he blearily opened his eyes, was the filth. Filth was the only way to describe the combination of dirt and mold and garbage that surrounded them. 

Next, as the ringing in his ears subsided, he noticed the noise. He couldn’t make it out but it was deafening. There was something akin to a beat to it, but surely no one could consider that music. 

He raised his head and was relieved to see the groaning forms of Kaidan and James. So they were all alive. That was tentatively positive. He took a breath to calm himself and gagged.

“What the fuck is that smell?” He gasped out, his voice hoarse. 

Kaidan sat up. “I’m pretty sure it’s human urine.”

Garrus looked at him incredulously. “Did you piss yourself?” He was in no mood for tact.

Before Kaidan could do anything except look offended, James groaned and spoke. “Nope. This piss has been here for a long time.” He looked around warily. “I think we’re behind a bar. A terrible one.”

Garrus staggered to his feet, not wanting to lay on the urine soaked ground for a moment longer. He offered a hand to Kaidan, who gratefully accepted. He could barely breath with this horrible smell. They had to get their bearings and get out of this pee saturated alley. 

James seemed to be right. They were definitely next to a bar. It was several orders of magnitude worse than he had ever seen before, even on Omega. The building was made of wood and stone, so they were definitely on a planet. But which planet?

Before he could wonder any more, the sound of the door opening caught his attention. The racket was even louder than before and a sour smell joined the overwhelming piss stink. A filthy human staggered through the doorway leading to the bar. The man was dressed in cloth rags, unlike anything he had ever seen, and was fiddling with his belt. 

Kaidan cleared this throat. “Excuse me, sir, but we. . .” He trailed off at the look of horror on the man's face. 

The human pointed a shaking finger at Garrus and screamed. “Demon!” He tried to turn and run but fell and scrambled backwards before he was able to get on his feet again. 

They looked at each other. “That was rude.” James said, frowning. From inside a bar they could hear the man yelling about a hawk.

Within moments they heard footsteps rushing towards them. A human woman with short, black hair came rushing towards the door. She wore strange armor, with an impractical amount of spikes and buckles and had a red streak across her nose. Several other strangely dressed humans followed behind her.

Kaidan spoke again. “Hello. We were just wondering -” 

The woman pulled a pair of daggers from behind her and brandished them. “Go find your own piss-soaked alley, demon.” she said. 

Before Garrus could say anything in response, he was distracted by the dagger that was careening towards his face.


	2. In which Garrus is Mistaken for a Demon

Kaidan threw up a biotic barrier in front of Garrus and the knife fell to the ground. He turned to the strange knife-wielding woman with his hands up. 

“There’s no need for that.” Kaidan said calmly. “We mean you no harm.”

One of the woman's companions, a short, white haired man with large green eyes, snorted. “You are a mage who has summoned a demon and you expect us to believe you mean us no harm?”

“Let me explain. I am Major Kaidan Alenko of the Earth Systems Alliance. This is lieutenant James Vega of the Earth Systems Alliance and Garrus Vakarian of the Turian Hierarchy.” The gestured to James and Garrus in turn. “We serve on the SSV Normandy.” 

The woman looked at him with a blank look on her face. “Is any of that supposed to mean anything to me?” she asked.

Where were they that a group of humans would not know anything about the Alliance? This place wasn’t like anything that Kaidan had ever seen before. It looked most like medieval Europe, but that couldn’t be right. Could the portal have sent them back in time? He looked at the woman’s companion with the white hair and noticed his strange facial structure and large pointed ears. He seemed almost like an elf from old fantasy stories.

James seemed to come to the same conclusion. “Let me handle this Major. I’m a huge Lord of the Rings fan.” He bowed low and smiled at the woman and her companions. “Greetings. I am Sir James, son of Robert, and these are my companions, Sir Kaidan, son of -- what’s your dad's name?”

Kaidan answered, bemused. “David.” What was he doing? 

James continued. “Son of David! And this is Sir Garrus, son of. . . Son of. . .” He looked at Garrus expectantly.

“Uh, my father's name is Kaesmius. . . .” 

“Garrus, son of Kaesmius! He is no demon, but rather from a race of warriors from far to the east!” James finished triumphantly. 

The woman looked like she was about to start laughing. “You are not making any sense. This is the weirdest excuse for summoning a demon I have ever heard.” 

“I’m not a demon!” Garrus said, indignantly.

“Yes, yes, you are a nice spirit who just wants to help and just happens to turn people into horrible abominations by accident.” The woman said sarcastically.

“No, I’m a turian.” 

“You know, Hawke, he doesn't look like any demon i have ever seen.” A small woman with swirly face tattoos spoke softly at the other woman's side. She also had the sharp facial structure and ears, like the white haired man.

The woman, Hawke, laughed. “What else could that monster be?” 

“We need to kill it.” The white haired man declared, shifting restlessly from side to side. 

“I am with the elf on this one, Hawke.” A very short blond man agreed. Apparently the white haired man was an “elf” of some kind.

“Yeah, can't be having monsters ruining the classy atmosphere of the Hanged Man.” A very buxom, dark skinned women wearing a lot of gold jewelry and apparently no pants, added her input. 

Kaidan tried to calm things down again. “Listen, I know Garrus looks a bit scary, but he is really a nice guy. A big softy. The worst thing he could ever do would be steal your girl.” Kaidan gave a small chuckle. 

The group looked shocked and a red haired woman with freckles spoke harshly. “It has kidnapped someone?” 

Kaidan looked surprised. “Uh, no. I just mean, he’s dating my ex-girlfriend.” He sighed. “It was a joke to defuse the situation. I guess it didn't work.”

Hawke and her friends looked horrified.

“Maybe you shouldn't have led with interspecies relationships.” Garrus muttered to Kaidan. “Look, I don't care what you think. I just want to get out of this piss soaked alley and figure out where we are and how to leave. We aren't going to hurt anyone and I just want to get back to somewhere that’s clean. It appears that that might be an unfamiliar term for you people so let me explain: it means occasionally removing the filth caked on everything, or possibly not let it get there at all.” 

Hawke turned to the short woman. “Are all demons this whiny?”

The woman shook her head. “Not usually. I don't actually think he _is_ a demon.”

“Voice of reason, right there!” Garrus sighed. “Now can we focus on figuring out how to get out of here?”

Kaidan nodded and started up his omni-tool. He was trying to find some indication of the portal that they passed through. Garrus and James did the same. 

“What are you doing?” the red haired woman asked suspiciously. 

“We’re trying to figure out where we are and how we get back to civilization.” Garrus grumbled. 

“You are in Kirkwall.” The female elf supplied helpfully. “In Lowtown. Well, in the alley behind the Hanged Man to be exact.” She had a interesting lilting accent. 

“Merrill, you probably shouldn't talk to it.” Hawke said gently, putting a hand on her arm. 

The white haired man muttered something angrily. The dark skinned woman kicked him. 

“I know more about demons than any of you, and I am telling you that it isn't a demon!” Merrill sounded irritated. 

“I am also not an 'it’” Garrus muttered, staring at the data on the omni-tool. There was nothing to indicate any trace of the portal. 

“What is it then?” 

“I don't know.”

“I told you. I am a turian. I am from Palavan. It's another planet. In space.”

“Garrus,” Kaidan put a hand on his arm. “I think they are a little too primitive for that. This place seems like Earth a thousand years ago.” 

“Wow. I just lost a good amount of my respect for your species.” 

“Shouldn't Blondie's. . . friend know what it is? Or at least know for sure if it is a demon.” The short man asked.

“Good idea, Varric.” Hawke said. The white haired man started to say something but she put up a hand and closed his mouth, frowning. He fidgeted restlessly, muttering.

Kaidan frowned at his omni-tool. “There is really no trace of anything.” He sighed. “I think we are stuck here for the time being.” Garrus swore but James looked almost pleased. 

Garrus looked at Hawke, who snapped her fingers at them. “Hey. If you are done staring at your magic arms, come with me.”

He sighed. It didn’t seem like getting back to the Normandy very easily. They would need someone to help them in this strange, disgusting place. “Okay. Just don’t throw any more knives at me.”

Hawke grinned. “I can’t promise anything.” She turned to her companions. “Varric, Isabela, you stay here and deal with our audience. Don’t want anyone to think I am making deals with demons or anything.” The short man and the busty woman nodded. “Aveline and Merrill, come with us to Anders’ clinic.” 

“I am coming as well.” the white haired man was defiant. “I don’t trust the mages around this creature, demon or not.”

Hawke sighed. “Sure. Do whatever you want, Fenris.” She pointed down the alley. “To Darktown!”

The red haired woman and the small tattooed woman followed Hawke. Kaidan and James looked at Garrus with raised eyebrows. 

His mandibles fluttered in distress. “It makes the most sense to follow them. We have no idea where we are or how to survive here. We should probably stick to the person who isn’t actively trying to kill us.”

“True.” Kaidan said. “But I don’t like the sound of Darktown.” He turned to James, who was grinning. “Why do you look so happy?”

James laughed. “Dude. I don’t know how, but we are in a goddamn fantasy world. With elves and shit. Why would I not be happy?”

Kaidan shook his head. 

“Hey, hurry up.” Hawke shouted from down the alley. “Unless you would rather wait around until someone else tries to attack you.”

They hurried after the small group. As the walked, Kaidan looked around the squalid city. It looked like something from a historical drama, but far less romanticized. It was just . . . dirty. The air was filled with soot, everything was covered in a thick layer of grime and the smell of urine and rot and feces filled the air. It was a far cry from the sanitized city that he grew up in or the space ships and stations that he had spent most of his adult life on. In those environments this sort of filth would be inconceivable. Garrus had clearly had similar experiences based on his reactions. He would have thought James would be as disgusted as well. He was also stepping around the grosser spots on the street, but he seemed almost happy to be here. Kaidan knew that his upbringing had not been as affluent as his own, but surely no place on earth was this abhorrent anymore. He must really be a big fantasy fan in order to endure this. 

“Woah, man. Your sword is almost as big as you are!” James declared to the small white haired man, Fenris.

“Yes.” Fenris said, gruffly.

“Can I try it out?” James asked eagerly.

“No.”  
They turned a corner and the wave of stench almost knocked Kaiden down. 

“What the hell?” Garrus gasped. 

“Oh, yeah, you guys are gonna love Darktown.” Hawke laughed. 

Kaidan looked at Garrus and wrinkled his nose. “I think we have to go with them.”

“Well, shit.” Garrus said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name for Garrus' dad came from my boyfriend's story about an alternate universe version of the First Contact War. Garrus' dad is a major character. You can find it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7233481/chapters/16420705

**Author's Note:**

> I normally always try to make the translators make sense, because I am a linguist and I hate badly thought out translators in stories. But there is literally no way for translators to actually make sense in this context, without completely overtaking the story, so I am just going to have them work like magic. And that is how most stories do it, so it is not too bad. Because, the way I see it, if they can't talk to Hawke and co. right away, they would probably just attack and they would have no way to communicate. Because the humans would also not be able to talk to the other humans, because not all humans speak the same language. So I am ignoring translators in this story and just having everyone understand each other. Just to warn you. I am sorry.


End file.
